Barn Gone Wild

Tonight was my third day in a row to work at the Barn. It was quite an active and drama filled night. I walked in on Hudson, Magnolia Garland, and Faux Snow scrambling to prepare for a special Barn yard event, “How to decorate your horse stall for Christmas!” They were pulling and grabbing items off of shelves, tables, and from the back of the barn. Manhattan Chair gave me a special task. I had to call someone at the CO-OP about a Barn guest’s return. Cowbell was notorious for “working the system.” She was always looking for a deal, or finding a way she could stretch a $50 coupon into a $100 credit. She doesn’t mindlessly buy stuff only to return it a few days later. No, she has a plan!!!

I was very excited about my special task, since everyone else was running around like the chickens after their heads are cut off. I resolved the issue with the CO-OP but the manure hit the fan after I called Cowbell to explain the fix to her issue. Grumpy and argumentative are a few of the words I would use to describe her behavior on the phone. She was acting like a stubborn goat!  Cowbell wanted to know exactly home much dough she was getting back for returning one of two milking machines she purchased with a coupon. So I called the COOP again. I was shocked to find out that Cowbell, who had returned only one milking machine, was being refunded the cost of two milking machines at full price. This wasn’t Cowbell’s fault or plan, but she does know how to milk every penny out of a transaction.

Cowbell also visited the store last night, after I had resolved all the issues with the COOP, to check on another item of hers that was broken. She had purchased a Christmas decoration last year, stored it for a year and just unpacked it recently. She was angry when she discovered that the item didn’t work. She was even angrier when she was told we didn’t have that item this year and it was well past the 30 day grazing period. Saint Hudson was kind enough to look at all the stores in the nation to find her a replacement. Hudson is the patron saint of bag handles (and there are many bag handles in this world). Grumpy ole Cowbell smiled as she left the store. We smiled as well!

Just before the special Barn yard decorating event, Faux Snow had a brilliant idea, not really. “You know, if the head farmer wanted to inspire guests to buy holiday décor, she should put on Christmas music.” I had to stop Magnolia Garland from going Tonya Harding on the overly energetic elf. Ok, I was the one suggesting it was a bad idea. Yes, it was a retail savvy thought, but every day in the retail world when you can listen to Journey rather than listen to pornographic holiday songs is a day further from the brink of insanity. Hudson came over as soon as he heard the first jingle. I discouraged Faux from incriminating herself. She confessed quicker than you can find a bail bondsman around a jail house on Saturday night. It was a great idea, pop music keeps us sane!

I am sure you are scratching your head about the pornographic holiday music. I am sure you have all heard these songs and may even enjoy them. However, after hearing them 1,457 times you hear their hidden meaning. For example, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” sung by Dean Martin. The female vocalist leads off with, “I really can’t stay” “but baby it’s cold outside” urging her to stay in with him. She continues to find great reasons to leave. However, Dean Martin won’t give up the fight. Manhattan Chair calls it the date rape song. Another song that has unmentionable sexual tone to it is “Santa Baby.” Marilyn Monroe calls out to Santa Baby… I want, I want, I want for something extra in return. In other words, it is a very sleazy song.

The crowning moment of the night was almost at closing time when another bag handle walked into the Barn. Hudson was trying to help her husband with a return as he was explaining our return policy. She was roaming around the barn like a little lost sheep. Hudson said, “If the rooster had went on sale, I can only refund that amount.” From across the store the bag handle belts out, “Had GONE on sale!!!” as if she had a Ph.D. in the English language from Oxford University. Her husband was confused at what the fuss was about. Hudson kindly apologized and finished the transaction.

All of this action and I didn’t even tell you about the seventeen home school moms that had mommies night out. I thought I was living in an episode of the Duggers. And wait, we also had a suspected credit card fraud transaction that was stopped in mid-signature. But those are tales for another night. It was already one heck of a night at the Barn.

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2 Responses to Barn Gone Wild

  1. Sam Runshin says:

    MARILYN never recorded “SANTA BABY”. The version was recorded in 1997 by the sultry redheaded actress and jazz crooner, CYNTHIA BASINET as a personal gift to her then love, JACK NICHOLSON. Launched via the MP3 wave becoming a #1 hit in 1999. She utilized this visibility to raise awareness for refugees in the W. Sahara. Culminating in a shared Nobel Peace Prize in 2005. Also, featured in the soundtrack, “PARTY MONSTER” in 2003 starring MACAULAY CULKIN.

    Her interpretation was that of women working all year long in the advancement of others, so wouldn’t it be nice, if Santa brought something to them.

    Check the full story:

    Or better yet, here is a listing of the licenses applied for “SANTA BABY”:

    Happy Thanksgiving and “hurry, down the chimney tonite…”

  2. Chris Key says:

    Not sure about Marilyn, but Eartha Kitt was the first to record the song, which might explain some of the sultiness.

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